Happiness

I am happy.

I almost ended the blog right there, but I'm sure that would have left you, the reader, thrilled for me, but a little bit empty. Frustrated perhaps that you had even bothered to click on this link only to read the lamest blog of your life.

Or maybe you would have been happy yourself.  Happy that you finally read a blog from me that wasn't whining about how hard it is to be a mom.  Happy that it only took up one second of your life to read it instead of 20 minutes you could never get back. 

However you feel, I've still decided to share more.

I realized yesterday that I am happy again.  The calm, peaceful kind.  Not the exuberant, I just won the lottery kind. 

I don't know if it was post-partum depression, too many changes at once, or if I just wasn't at all prepared to be a mother, but for the last 5 months I really thought I had lost myself.  The self I knew and liked for so many years.  The self that laughed regularly and loudly, and just felt like life was pretty good most of the time.  A self I thought was gone.

She's not.  She. Is. Not.  And THAT makes me happy.

Somehow I feel like Cora and I have turned a corner together.  She still isn't killing her daytime sleeping (30 minute naps), and she still demands a lot of attention and doesn't play by herself for more than 5 minutes without screaming, but we're good. 

I think there are are a few reasons why. 


First, I think that Cora continues to make incremental (dare I say BABY steps) of progress that make her easier to take care of.  She smiles more and laughs more.  She has slept through the night consistently for over 3 weeks.  She reacts to us and talks to us and engages.  It's nice to know that while I walk around a room for an hour with her in a bjorn that is breaking my back that a smile may be right around the corner.

Second, I am sleeping through the night.  I am starting to feel more sane.  I am starting to create routines in my day that make more sense and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I know things have gotten better and that they will continue to get better.  Not that there aren't or won't be any more hard times...but there will be reprieves and I've figured out that each challenge will pass.

Finally, I got an email from my old pal Katie Outcalt that changed my world view.  My mother insists that others (including, I presume especially, her) tried to tell me this, but for whatever reason the way Katie said it struck home.  The light came on. 

Essentially she told me to change myself, and stop trying to change Cora.  She told me (my words now) that Cora wasn't a problem to solve.  That I should transcend the problem by doing some purpose finding instead.  Sound familiar anyone?

Is it hilarious only to me, that every single time in my life that I have had a problem my dad has given me that exact advice, but that I couldn't figure out it applied in this situation?

I was blinded by all the parenting books and advice of parents.  I sought it out everywhere - on blogs, yahoo groups, from doctors, books, friends... HOW DO I FIX MY BABY???  How do I get her to sleep at night?  How do I get her to eat right?  How do I get her to take a nap for longer than 30 minutes?  And since everyone always had answers....well I figured I just hadn't stumbled on the one that worked for Cora yet.  So I kept searching and asking.

Katie helped me take a step back and relax.  I still tried to open myself to the right techniques for Cora to help her....for example, I ignored the Weissenbluth advice to put my baby down as soon as I saw the tired signals to avoid her being overtired.  That was happening all the time and I put her down every hour.  And she still screamed. Instead I stretched her awake time to 2-3 hours between naps.  And now when I put her down, she lays in the crib without being rocked and falls asleep dead tired.  Still only sleeps 30 minutes but she doesn't cry anymore.

But if that hadn't have stopped the crying, it wouldn't have mattered so much.  Because I changed (and keep changing when it reverts) my attitude.  I decided to center, try to feel peace and love for Cora and to enjoy even the fits or the screaming.  To try to watch it from a 3rd party perspective instead of as the stressed out mom who was living it.  To see it and understand it differently.  And of course, to be grateful for it. 

It's still not easy to feel that way when I'm tired and she's crazy, but I feel different.  I feel like we're figuring it out together.  And I feel happy. 

I still love my birthday present and any alone time I can get.  (Alisha told me that it's too soon in the process for me to be so needy, but I explained to her that being a mother in your 40's is like dog years.  For a 25 year old mom, they may last until the baby is 7 months or 7 years old before they need a break, but for a 40 year old mom it happens at birth.  Everything is 7 years faster.)  But I also love my Cora time, and my Cora.  Peace and happiness can be elusive - it's hard work to find them when you're stressed, lonely or exhausted.  It's rewarding when you do.

Please to Answer

Considering the fact that James and I have only been in Georgia for 4 months, it is somewhat shocking that we are already thinking about where we will move next.

This summer the bid process begins for us again, so we are starting to look at which posts are available and match up to James in terms of timing, type of job, and level.

There are several places that we are starting to lean towards, but before I mention those and get reactions, I'm curious...

Let's assume that we could get a job at any post in the world right now - that everything would line up AND they would offer it to James - please answer two questions:

1. where do you think WE should go?

2. where would YOU go?

Happy Birthday To Me

Yes, that is a bowl of fries.

I feel that I must take a moment to post about my first birthday as an honest-to-goodness mom.

Some of you may have picked up on a few gentle hints in my posts that indicate I'm a little sleepy.  Or cranky.  Or missing alone time.  I know they were subtle, but if you look hard you'll find them.

On my birthday, my main man hooked me up with a day at an unnamed hotel.  Unnamed because I am very loyal to the Hilton Worldwide brand, but since it doesn't exist here in Georgia... well a girl has to make do.  I will say this is a really nice hotel, as non-HWW hotels go. (That plug's for you Gina!)

Anyway, as I was saying, my main man got me a room for the day.  Sopo stayed with Cora all day and I moseyed off to alone-time bliss.  James and I loved the movie Date Night (see it if you haven't) and the line Tina Fey uses when her husband asks (in bed) what she fantasizes about.  Tina: "I fantasize about being alone in a hotel room, with no sound, and the ability to drink a diet coke without any interruptions."

James and I thought it was funny, but really....who would want that?

A couple minor adjustments.  I want the hotel room, the no sound, but instead of diet coke I want a full tray of room service.  Any food I want.  That I can eat IN bed without having to clean up the crumbs cause I'm not sleeping there, and a good book.

That's what I did.

And while I was sitting in my bed with my room service tray and reading my book in the dead silence...I suddenly paused, looked around, and smiled.  My shoulders came down from my ears and I completely relaxed.

I did allow James to meet me in the late afternoon and then we went to a lovely dinner.  That was nice too.

I also got a couple of spa treatments.  Which was great.  But seriously....THE ROOM...and THE TRAY...and the BLESSED SILENCE.

James has rocked my world every birthday we've been together.  I mean last year we went to Puerto Rico together.  But let me say this...this year...
Best. Birthday. Ever.

Once again, Tina Fey...nailed it.

The Hobbit and Other Strange People

Last night we went to our first movie here in Georgia.  Most of the movies here are in Russian, some are in Georgian, and occasionally they have one in English.  When they have a movie in English they don't just let it run like the others, they just select a couple of times and a couple days for it to show.

We have been anxiously waiting for Hunger Games and Ender's Game to no avail.  Finally they decided to show the Hobbit in English on December 28th.  We were still pretty excited about that, so James' friend and co-worker Jeremy offered to get us tickets.  He came back with bad news: sold out.

Now if they can sell out a picture 4 days before it is even scheduled to show, AND sell out on the day it is posted, it seems to me a good businessperson might consider doing a few more English movies and showings.  (Business opp for James and I perhaps?)

Luckily for us, they did another showing last night (Saturday).  And trust me, as soon as they posted that showing (Tuesday) James was buying tickets. 

I was pretty stoked for several reasons.  (Do people still say stoked?) First, a MOVIE!!  We kind of love going to the movies and we miss them.  Second, it cost us $12 USD for BOTH tickets, and $2 more for a bucket of popcorn.  A lot better than the paycheck we usually turn over back in the U.S. for a trip to the theater.

There were a few entertaining things that happened during our awesome movie outing.  The crowd was pretty mixed.  There were Georgians who presumably spoke English, other expats from other countries besides the U.S., some Russians, and a couple other Americans. 

I liked how all of the previews were dubbed in Russian.  It was clear that only about 5 people in the audience understood what was going on and laughed at just the right parts.  But the best part of the movie experience was where we sat.

Seated to James' right was a teenage couple that looked like Goth-mild.  The boy was clearly American and the girl was Georgian.  To my left was an elderly Georgian couple.  Both couples were kind enough to give us other options besides watching the movie to keep us engaged. 

James' friends pretty much made-out the whole time.  Sloppy, wet kisses.  Ah, young love.  Guess the Hobbit just didn't have enough heads getting chopped off to hold their attention.

The couple on my side was a little harder to ignore.  Surprising right?  And no, they weren't making out.  I don't know if they spoke any English, or if maybe just one of them spoke English, but I DO know that the woman spoke Georgian.

I know this because she spoke it during the ENTIRE movie.  She had a running convo with her seat mate, along with lots and lots of reactions to everything on screen.  Gasps, and Georgian Oh my's, and angry chatter.  I don't know if she was translating the whole thing for her friend or just letting him know what she thought about it. 

Upon further reflection I suspect that they were actually just on the run from the secret police.  It's the only thing that makes sense.  They clearly weren't there to watch the movie.  They didn't speak English.  They knew they could carry on a full conversation without being overheard or bugged with the movie playing over them.  And it was a warm dark place to hide.  It all adds up.

At first I was pretty annoyed by the constant yammering, but after a while it got pretty amusing.  Occasionally she even leaned over to me in a part that made us both jump and said something to me in Georgian with a big smile.  I patted her arm and said, "Da, comrade, da."  No, I didn't.  That doesn't even make sense.

One final part that we enjoyed.  If you've seen the Hobbit you know there is one scene where the elvish lady (Taurin) starts working her elvish magic and gets a nice bright glow around her.  It's a pretty serious part and yes, very mystical.  For some reason this audience thought that this scene was funnier than any other moment in the movie.  They were laughing hysterically and James and I just looked at each other in wonderment.  And then we joined in.  Cause why not?  If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.