I may have mentioned that I was a little sad about my mother leaving. Now that a few days have passed and I have picked myself up off the floor where I've been laying in a pool of tears and drool, I feel I can talk about this.
I am 42 years old and I want my mommy. This sounds a little strange I know, but I feel like I can't live without her. She helped do the laundry and make meals and hold Cora and she just talked to me and helped me feel like I wasn't totally alone in a foreign country.
Last night I told James (as I cried some more) that the only thing I could compare this to was a bad breakup. Everywhere I go... I see her. When I pass her room, when I work in the kitchen, while I rock Cora and wait for her to pop her head in to see if we're OK. Not only do I see her everywhere, but I know I can't get her back. And that she has moved on (hello..14 grandkids and 6 children!) while I have not. And finally, I don't know how to function without her. I let myself learn to depend on her and now she is gone. I let go (quite willingly) of my independence and now I don't know how to be alone.
James looked at me and started laughing. I looked at him and did not.
"I'm serious."
He said he realized this, as he tried to stop laughing, but that he thought it was pretty funny to compare my mom going home to a breakup. I nodded, but inside I thought, "that's because he didn't just go through the breakup." And I also thought, "I will kill you."
No, I didn't think that. But I thought it might be funny to write it. And I can't kill him. Because then I would REALLY be alone. And I can only handle one bad breakup this month.
I am 42 years old and I want my mommy. This sounds a little strange I know, but I feel like I can't live without her. She helped do the laundry and make meals and hold Cora and she just talked to me and helped me feel like I wasn't totally alone in a foreign country.
Last night I told James (as I cried some more) that the only thing I could compare this to was a bad breakup. Everywhere I go... I see her. When I pass her room, when I work in the kitchen, while I rock Cora and wait for her to pop her head in to see if we're OK. Not only do I see her everywhere, but I know I can't get her back. And that she has moved on (hello..14 grandkids and 6 children!) while I have not. And finally, I don't know how to function without her. I let myself learn to depend on her and now she is gone. I let go (quite willingly) of my independence and now I don't know how to be alone.
James looked at me and started laughing. I looked at him and did not.
"I'm serious."
He said he realized this, as he tried to stop laughing, but that he thought it was pretty funny to compare my mom going home to a breakup. I nodded, but inside I thought, "that's because he didn't just go through the breakup." And I also thought, "I will kill you."
No, I didn't think that. But I thought it might be funny to write it. And I can't kill him. Because then I would REALLY be alone. And I can only handle one bad breakup this month.
I tell my mom that think I need her more as an adult than I did as a child. Not because I need her to do stuff for me, although that is still really nice when she rushes in to save me on occasion, but because I need HER... her wisdom, her listening ear, the way she gets me better than anyone else. Moms are the best and I think I appreciate her more and more every year.
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