The Obamas are Lucky

Dreams are crazy.  However, I think the crazier YOU are, the crazier your dreams are. 

Yes.  My dreams are clinical.

Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant.  We all know how crazy that is, but....sit tight.  I was pregnant and I was talking to Michelle Obama.  It turns out that I had given her and Barack my first child (Cora presumably) because she couldn't have kids and it was a national emergency that they have kids.  It actually never occurred to me until this moment as I type that my children would never actually pass as a black man and woman's children.  I swear I just shocked myself - it was not only normal in my dream, but also this morning when I recounted it.  Wow. 


Anyway, as I was saying, I was having children for the Obamas to help save the country.  That's pretty normal.  As Michelle and I chatted about this second baby, somehow it came out in our conversation that she COULD get pregnant. 

I was all like, what??? And she was like, yeah.  And I was like what, what??  Yeah.

I couldn't believe she had convinced me to do this for her because I never even wanted to get pregnant a second time, let alone give her my first child.  But the funny thing was (when I told her she wasn't getting my baby) she seemed really scared and she said, "Please don't tell James."

Why?  Because we both know he would be TICKED.  All caps.  Ticked AND he would want our first baby back.  Unfortunately she would no
longer know us as her parents, which would make him even madder and oh yeah, Michelle was in BIG troubs. 

That's all I remember.  But I remember waking up and being shocked not that I had given my children (my very white children) to the Obamas, but that I had actually agreed to get pregnant again.

The things I will do for my country.

A chance to be young again

A few days ago I got an email from the hosting group we worked with.  It said that they had a 16 year old girl who was about to "age out" of the orphanage she was in.  She needed a family to adopt her or she would end up on the streets.  In a neat twist, she is also three months pregnant.  So there is some urgency.

My heart went out to her - obviously - how could it not?  And I even contemplated taking her in for a moment.  James and I had thought about more kids, but obviously at my advanced age I'm not really considering a second pregnancy.  (That and the fact that it was HORRIBLE - no I haven't "forgotten" all the pain yet in the joy of having the child.)  But really, I am old.

At any rate, before I had a reality check and recognized that I still haven't figured out how to take care of one child effectively, and that James and I live in Georgia, and that our lives are not properly "settled" for this situation I saw one super silver lining to this adoption:  Without having to get pregnant myself I would get a playmate for Cora and a babysitter all in one.  I'm joking... but also not.  That's kind of an amazing plan.

Of course, I would also be a mother and a grandmother on the same day which is interesting.  I'm not opposed to it.  I've gotten so used to saying I'm an old mother, and I'd love to balance it out by saying I'm a super, super YOUNG grandmother.   I would like to be a young something.  So yeah, I still dream about it - and maybe we can do that next year.   Or in a few years when I'm a REALLY old mother.

(In all seriousness though, if there is anyone out there who reads this and thinks they could take an interest in this girl let me know.  I'd be happy to connect you and find her a home.)

And the opposite of a successful trip is..

Kutaisi - near Gelati Monastery

 I was feeling pretty good after our first overnight trip with Cora.  "I can do this!", says I... to myself.  Of course, I'm sure I only half believed myself, because, well - I'm not always that honest.  Mostly I am, but nobody's perfect.  It's hard to be honest when you WANT to believe something.  Then it seems really true even when it's not.  Which brings us back to me thinking I can do this.

Just a few short days after our trip to Sighnaghi, James had a work trip to Kutaisi.  Cora and I decided to tag along.  Mostly because I am terrified of staying alone overnight in our house.  You may be thinking I'm terrified because it would be hard to take care of her alone.  Sure - yes, but that is not what terrifies me.  Or you might be thinking I'm afraid of an intruder breaking in.  You bet that would be scary, but we kind of live in a safe area with big fences and guards and we know all our neighbors.  So no, not terrified of that.  I am terrified of ghosts.  I am afraid that if I am alone I might be like the kid in Sixth Sense and see dead people.  Or hear them.  And I swear sometimes when James is late and I'm alone I have.  Heard them.  Anyway, who is really rational in the middle of the night?  Not me.  Truth be told I'm hardly rational during the day.  So the fact is, I went to Kutaisi to avoid the ghosts that will come to our house if I am alone.

Ha, ha.  Laugh it up. But just so you know...you're laughing alone.  (or are you?)

The night before we left, M.B. (I've decided it's time to give Cora a nickname in my blogs, and I think Mafia Boss or M.B. for short is endearing (no), cute (no), and entirely accurate (yes).  As I was saying, M.B. threw up all of her dinner the night before we left.  I was a little nervous that we might be taking a sick child with us, but she seemed fine all night and the next morning.  So off we went.

And here are the lessons I learned:

1.  You should not ever travel with any other people.  Especially adults without children.  Why?  Because they will think it's OK to stop and go as they please.  That you should eat when you are hungry, or pee when you have the urge.  Nay.  You must only stop the car when your child is awake, or they will wake up.  You must only let them out of their car seat when you are sure you can get them back in.  And above all else, you must GET TO YOUR DESTINATION AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.  M.B.'s usual 1.5 hour car nap became a 45 minute nap when our partners in crime stopped for a rest stop 1 hour in to our trip.  That set the tone for the next 48 hours.

2.  You should not believe that because your baby doesn't throw up again that they aren't sick.  M.B. (mafia boss) got congested and spent the next 48 hours in misery.  She couldn't breathe, she was hot and cold and she wouldn't sleep more than 10 minutes at a time w/o waking up and screaming because she couldn't breathe.  I got up with her every 30 minutes to rock her back to sleep from 11:30pm - 4:00am.  Which means that when she woke up for good at 5:30 am, I had no sleep under my belt.

3.  Remember that hotel walls are thin.  Even if you wouldn't rock your baby every time they cry at home....

4.  Don't assume your baby will sleep anywhere.  Crib, yes.  Pack 'n play....maybe not.

5.  If your child is sick, a car ride home can be miserable.  Ours included a complete inability on the part of M.B. to sleep, breathe and eat for 3.5 hours, coupled with a stressed out daddy who needed to be working in the car, and an exhausted mommy who had to drive the car so daddy could (not) work, but care for screaming baby while mommy tried to stay awake and not crash.  Did daddy have a complete melt down and yell things like "Don't answer me when I'm saying crazy things!!!!" right before throwing his blackberry into the front of the car?  I'll never tell.  (Yes, it's funny now.)

So yeah, the second overnight gave us a little more of a reality check, but will we give up?  Not yet.  One more and we'll see. 

On a positive note, I will say that we thoroughly enjoyed the town of Kutaisi which was about 10 degrees warmer than Tbilisi (78 degrees baby!), had sidewalks to walk on, and friendly people.  Cora was cheek pinched by another million people and only one actually snatched her right out of James' arms in a bakery.  Now I know why I love the Baby Bjorn. 

A couple of photos from our visit to the Gelati Monastery, where the priests and nuns gave M.B. a very special photo of (I think) Mother Teresa and asked for a photo with her.

Question:  At 8 months did anyone's baby start to go crazy at bedtime?  Suddenly waking up every time you put them down asleep and screaming for 30 minutes with no identifiable pain?  I read about separation anxiety which is what it feels like - but what do you do?  She was so good at just going to sleep the last 2 months....

Our First Overnight Trip, or On Sleeping Without Fear

As mentioned in my previous post, my child terrifies me.  Don’t ask me why, it’s not like I’ve never been around children, and I know they are small and hardly even mobile – but this one owns me.   It's not that irrational if you consider Chucky.  I mean he was just a tiny doll and he was very, very dangerous.  I never saw the movie, but I'm pretty sure he killed a lot of people.

So yes, I am constantly afraid of this wee babe.  Or maybe just of what she will do to make my life difficult.  Will she embarrass me in public by screaming non-stop? Or not sleep if I stop tiptoeing and perchance make even ONE sound in my house?   Will she get sick and I won’t know what to do, and then she dies causing me to feel regret and misery the rest of my life? I just don't know, people, and these are the things that scare me.  I am certain that I will break her or she will break me.  And if I stay scared clearly this will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  So in the interest of overcoming the irrational (or is it?) terror I have of my own child, I agreed to do an overnight trip with James this past weekend.  Oh, and with Cora. Obv.

So we quickly packed up 12 suitcases or so and off we went.

OK, not 12, but SERIOUSLY.  No, seriously.  It took us longer to pack than it did to drive to Telavi.  It’s a 2.5 hour trip.  Babies are high maintenance.   This is pretty killer for a (past) frequent traveler who had learned to go on week long adventures with only a carry on.

Any old who, you may be wondering 4 paragraphs later where we decided to go and why I'm still rambling about my child.  You're probably not.  You know me by now.  So we went to Telavi and Sighnaghi.  Two towns in Georgia’s eastern wine country that were supposed to be (and were) quite lovely.  

The trip went so much better than I even hoped.  Cora slept like the sweet and perfect angel she is for almost the entire trip there.  We stopped for a couple of hours in Telavi and had lunch and wandered around and then she did her afternoon nap during, well, most of our trip to Sighnaghi.   And she might have slept the whole way if her father in his infinite wisdom hadn't thought it was a brilliant idea to pull the car over, roll down his window and SHOUT to the person 4 traffic lanes away for some directions.  No, I wasn't mad.  Don't be silly.

We got to Sighnaghi and it was love at first sight.  It's an old fortress town at the top of a mountain.  It felt very quaint and it had magnificent views of the Caucuses.  

We got to wander around the fortress wall, which was practically identical in every way to the Great Wall of China, except maybe a tiny bit smaller.  Along the way we were stopped by no less than 20 people who wanted to squeeze the life out of Cora's cheeks.  And one toothless woman took it upon herself to give her wet kisses all over her fat cheeks.  (Note to self:  Mommy wears the baby bjorn from now on.)

We rented a suite and we actually did pretty good with Cora, although she seemed to miss the spaciousness of her crib and made quite a bit of noise all night as she tried to move around and was stymied.  Other than that though....and maybe a little bit of restaurant ruckus, she was a dream.

Which reminds me.  We stopped at a winery in Telavi and had the whole place to ourselves.  

And our very kind waiter (imagine THIS in the U.S. - ha!) saw we were having trouble eating with Cora fussing, so he came over and picked her up from her chair and walked away cooing to her.  All well and good, except he disappeared into the back (I assume the kitchen) and we kind of wondered if that was the end.  A couple minutes later he reappeared with a VERY disgruntled child who sat and gave him the evil eye for the rest of the meal.  She never took her eyes off of him and tracked his every move....daring him to take her again.  The look can only be described as "Kristin-esque", cause it was Salty with a capital S.  Very sweet of the waiter though.

There were a couple of other funny interactions on our trip, but I have run on and on as usual and will save them for another post.  Bottom line, it can be done.  Trips can be made with a child.  I will never say it is better than going with just the hubs, or the gal-pals, but it's nice to know that Cora (and I) will get to leave the house once in a while.  Our 8 month sequester is over at last.

A Long Overdue (and highly anticipated) Motherhood Update

I realize I haven’t written in a long time.  And I have also come to realize that there were several expectant mothers reading my blog who I may or may not have caused some level of distress.  Allow me to do a short(ish) motherhood update to get your heart rates down and your breathing back to normal. 

Life is good.  Baby girl is still challenging in new and exciting ways – like high pitched screaming all day for no apparent reason, but we have entered a new challenge level.  One I find to be a little more my speed. 

I am not sleep deprived like I was the first four months.  I am not worried about every possible medical problem she could be having but might not be having.  I finally relaxed about the 30 minute nap, and lo and behold we have through trial, error and a blessing from God finally gotten to two naps a day lasting about 1 hour and 15 minutes each.  Ah, sweet joy.  She is no longer colicky.  She doesn’t terrify me (as much) which I guess may have been the root of many problems.  Her first two teeth finally came in after six weeks of trying and that solved many a sleep and crying problem.  She is starting to become a real little person which makes her much more enjoyable and engaging. 

Yes, I do sometimes still think being a mom is pretty hard.  I definitely still go stir crazy at times in the 3 hours between naps when I have to sit and entertain her by doing mentally stimulating things like handing her toys.... because she has very little ability to be alone and happy.  She also is in a phase where she wants to stand all the time, but can’t on her own so she wants me to sit and hold her in a standing position or she screams bloody murder.  So yeah, that’s fun.  She is starting to grab everything and wants to see everything and be everywhere, so it’s sort of like wrestling an octopus everywhere I go, but I can handle it.  We're O.K.

One more thing, my dear future mommas.  Not all babies are like Cora.  And not all mothers are like me.  So you may love the first 5 months and you may even have an angel child from heaven.  But if you don’t, I can offer you this hope:  you may like the next phase better... so be patient.  It’s only been 8 months, but I have learned over and over again that the phrase “this to shall pass” is true.  So true.  It feels like forever, but it won’t be.  So just sit quietly, try to find something to love in what is happening (I say that with a smile) and breathe in and out.  Follow my mom’s advice which she happily gave me every day after I called wishing we were at two months and three months and four months....  don’t wish your life away.  I’m getting there.

Thank You For Your Interesting Questions

I got an email today from the Med Center at the Embassy stating that Cora was due to come in for her 6 month vaccinations. 

I knew this.  I was hoping to ignore it though...until say 7 months.  Because is there anything worse than your child getting shots?  The first time we took Cora at two months, she smiled at me right before the shot as I held her and then they stuck her with the needle and her smile twisted into pain and a look of complete betrayal.  How could I let them do this to her?  I cried.  No joke.  Real, gulping tears. 

That's one part that sucks, but of course it also sucks that Cora is even more fussy, a little sick and crazed for 3 days to a week after as well. 

So I've been dreading month 6.  She was due last Thursday, but of course last week was when the miracle naps started stretching out and I did NOT want to mess with that.  So I thought, let me give her two weeks to get this nap thing firmly in place and then we'll go wreck her for a week.  Of course that's a joke now, so I guess I should take her.  But.  I HATE IT.

Back to the email.  I wrote back to the nurse or receptionist or whoever it was who sent me this blessed bit of news and I asked her to send me the shot schedule so I would know what Cora had to get this time.

She gladly obliged.

I read it and saw that one of the vaccinations (rotovirus) claimed that there were certain types of this vaccine that didn't require a 6 month shot.  I was hopeful that we could cut one out of the lineup.  I also just asked for confirmation that the shots were the same as what she got at 2 and 4 months.

This was my reply.  And keep in mind that there may or may not be some language confusion:

Yes, the same as 2 months shots are. There will be the oral Rotavirus as well we have RotaTeg vaccine.
Attached is VIS for Rotavirus and recommended immunization schedule sheet with footnotes, where you could find the statement below:
 2. If RotaTeq is used, administer a 3-dose series at ages 2, 4, and 6 months

Thanks for your interesting questions.

I was trying to understand the first part about Rotavirus and if she meant that now Cora had to take two Rotovirus vaccines, and just sort of scanning the email when I got to her sign off.  "Thanks for your interesting questions."

Now you and I know those were not that interesting of questions.  So I started laughing out loud.  Because either she is being sarcastic and busting my chops (well deserved no doubt) or it's just lost in translation.  Or I guess...maybe...she really did think they were interesting questions.  Which makes me think her day may be even less intellectually stimulating than mine.  In case this is true I will make sure to send her at least one interesting question a day.  I'm thinking tomorrow's will be, "Can Cora take all of her vaccine's orally instead of through the usual needle?"

Hmm.  Interesting.

Goodbye Sleeping Cora, it was Nice While it Lasted

I thought the sleep thing was, well not fixed per se, but moving in a positive direction.  We had three or four days of naps that lasted longer than 30 minutes.  She started going down without crying for 20 or 30 minutes - just talking or closing her eyes. 

And then.

You knew it was coming.  And then Sunday she only took one nap longer than 30 minutes.  Yesterday both naps were back to 30 minutes, and the second one involved crying for 25 minutes before falling asleep and then crying every five minutes between sleep spells for 20 more.

Why?  (shaking fist at the heavens)  WHY??

So fine, I'll zen it out today and try to accept and love and feel peace about the fact that I am back to a very grumpy baby who can't sleep and is miserable.  But what happens?  Everything else in life seems to have a cause and an effect.  If you do something one way, you can expect a certain result.  I followed the same pattern that worked for 4 days and got a different result on day 5.  It's crazy-town.  I live in crazy town.  I guess some might say I'm finally where I've always belonged.

This morning James was sharing a quote from the Paralympian (spelling?) who is here this week to do a speaker's tour for him.  He was inspired by it and he walked over to where I was sitting on the floor holding Cora and snapping my fingers and bobbing my head trying to get her to stop crying.  He said, "I bet I'm going to hear a lot of inspiring things this week."  I looked at him, looked back at Cora and my snapping, bobbing self... and my angry child and said, "Yeah, me too."

Cooking with Cora

I always wondered why my mom seemed so distracted all the time.  In fact, I used to wonder if she was getting Alzheimer's at the premature age of 40.  It seemed like all the time she would say things like, "I feel like I'm losing my mind."  or "What was it I was just doing?"

Turns out you just have to have a baby and then you can say goodbye to your mental capacity of yore.  I remember reading in the What to Expect book about how pregnancy makes you forget things.  I assume that is hormonal or physical in some way.  It never tells you that after you give birth you actually lose your mind completely and it has nothing to do with YOU.

I love pinterest.  Anyone who says they don't and has spent more than 10 minutes on it is lying.  Period.  I cook new recipes from pinterest on a weekly, even daily basis.  And so far I have had great success with them. 

I know there are websites dedicated to pinterest fails.  You see beautiful creations and then you make the same thing and it looks like poop.  Or at least not at all like the pretty pinterest picture. 

This week I had a cake fail.  Unfortunately I can't blame pinterest in any way.  I can only blame Cora.  And blame her I will - in fact I look forward to blaming her for many, many things to come.  I'm sure she is looking forward to the same.  I mean, blaming me for all her problems.  It should be mutually rewarding.

This is the cake I tried to make:

A delicious pecan pie-like cake that looked melt-in-your-mouth delicious.  Oh man, my moth is watering now just looking at this picture.

This is the cake I made:

If you think they look the same it's time for you to see your local eye doctor.  There is not one similarity between these two cakes.  In fact you can see the caramel (not) goo in mine is just pooping out all over the plate.  And looks and tastes nothing like caramel.  Just one difference worth noting.

Why such disparity?  I messed up every single part of this recipe.  Each stage of it.  I made the caramel crap, put it in the fridge only to discover that while trying to bounce Cora and put banana in her mouth I had somehow forgotten the 1/2 cup of cornstarch.  So I took the goo out of the fridge and mixed it in after the fact.  I'm sure the part where it all got cooked together wasn't important.  Clearly.

In making the cake I forgot to add something as well.  Perhaps that is because I was tryng to keep Cora from scratching her face off while screaming at me.

And finally you may notice that there are 3 layers in the top cake which I completely missed in making TWO cakes.  Which may or may not have impacted how long it needed to back and the density, and how much goo was in the cake.

Yup, a baby-fail.  Pinterest, I still believe in you.  You haven't failed me yet.  But as for cooking with Cora....FAIL.  I think James can now look forward to a lifetime of mediocre food.  And I can honestly say....I was a great cook.  I've tasted other people's food so I know this.

It may also be worth noting that when I finished assembling this cake, and after Sopo (our nanny) arrived I looked at it blankly and told her, "I want to punch that cake."  I wish I had.

Please let the 30 minute nap phase END

Today is the 6th month anniversary of Cora's life.  I'd like to say it's gone so fast, but honestly it feels more like a year to me. 

As a special half-birthday present to herself and to me, she decided to take two naps that were longer than 30 minutes.  TWO.  All I can say is that sleep (hers) is a miracle.  I felt like a princess in one of the old Disney movies.  I wanted to dance around the house singing in a very high falsetto voice as birds and woodland animals danced around me and landed on me smiling and chirping. 

Upon reflection, I'm glad that didn't happen.  I'm not a huge fan of birds or woodland animals and it would terrify me if they suddenly started landing on me and dancing around me.  But still.  You get the point...I was SO HAPPY.  Even now as I write I have a huge smile on my face. 

Most importantly Cora was happy too.  I could tell the sleep made a difference to her.  She could focus longer on toys she was playing with and she didn't cry or fuss as much.  She was a different child.

Sleep scoreboard: she slept for almost 13 hours last night (until 8am), and then she slept for an hour and 15 minutes this morning, an hour and a half after lunch, and a 30 minute topper at 4pm.  If she did this every day....I would LOVE being a stay at home mom.  No one understands how killer a 30 minute napper is if they haven't had one.  Ladies, you know who you are.

How did it happen?  I have some ideas.  And look, I KNOW all children are different.  I also know that this may not repeat itself again tomorrow, or ever.  But if it does, here's what I think went down...

Cry. It. Out.

I read recently that the baby's sleep brain is different for daytime and nighttime sleep.  So even if you trained the baby to sleep through the night it might not work for daytime.  I can confirm, it did not.

For some reason I had a much harder time embracing the CIO method for naps.  Whenever I let her do it for even a little bit it felt wrong and painful.  Her cry was miserable - I felt like she must be sick or in pain and I was ignoring her.  And sometimes she would cry, sleep for two minutes, wake up and cry again for a couple more minutes, sleep a couple and repeat for 20 minutes.  That was the longest I could do.

Yesterday I decided to do what Weissenbluth suggested and to put her down for an hour nap.  I also decided no more putting her down asleep.  I would read her a book, walk around and sing to her until she yawned and got sleepy, but not asleep at all.  Then, when I put her down, if she cried the whole hour so be it.  If she went to sleep and woke up and cried for the rest of the hour, so be it.  She was doing an hour in the crib. 

Scary.

So I did it.  And she cried during both naps for about 35 and 25 minutes respectively before she fell asleep.  One nap she did 45 minutes and the other one she did an hour.  She didn't wake up crying for once.

Today I was scared and geared up for 35 minutes of crying again.  This time for nap #1 I put her down and she cried for exactly 1 minute, then she slept.  She awoke once or twice around the 30 minute mark and cried, but only for 30 seconds each time with her eyes closed and back to sleep.  She slept for 1 hour 15. Nap #2 she didn't cry when I put her down. She played in her crib for 5 minutes and then fell asleep.  Same restless crying around 30 minutes, but went back quickly and slept for 1 hour 30 minutes. 

I know some people hate the cry it out method.  But all I can say is that I tried EVERYTHING with this child and so far, I am a firm believer in it working.  It worked for night sleep, and now I feel like it may work for daytime.  I think we gave her too much attention and she couldn't let herself sleep because she wanted our attention.  The only way to let her know we were making the break was to go cold turkey.  And when she was able to finally stop fighting the sleep I feel like it was a relief to her.

Again, I may have to take this all back tomorrow, but right now it feels right.  And for any other moms out there looking for options - you know your baby best - but it won't hurt to give this a try if you're at the breaking point.  If Cora can repeat this miracle and we start getting naps....well, there simply are no words.  Bring on the woodland animals.

Oh Bernadette

This post will be short and sweet and completely unrelated to Tbilisi.  Except by the long stretch that it is about life overseas in general.

James and I have a phone setup here through Magic Jack that allows us to have a U.S. phone number so that we can talk to friends and family back home....all for the low, low price of 29 dollars a year.  It's been pretty good so far. 

A couple of times we've lost a dial tone, but we just had to unplug and replug in the adaptor and all has returned to normal.  Last night however, we couldn't get the dial tone back and all the lights had gone out. 

I couldn't call (see above), and so I found the live chat function online, waited until they were open for business (around 8pm our time) and then began to explain and troubleshoot via a very slow chat. 

They were helpful and explained that the adaptor probably just wasn't good and that they would send us another.  In the beginning of the convo, I gave my name, and then again I gave it at the end as we were going through my address, etc.. for her to send the transformer.  I was trying to get off the chat after about 45 minutes of this fun, when I was surprised to read:

shauri: are we done?

Long pause

Bernadette: One moment please...

Bernadette: Thank you for waiting., I have already processed the AC adapter Order Number: TS37, shipping will take 2-4 working days.

shauri: thank you.

long pause....no response.

shauri: um, bye

long pause

Bernadette: You are most welcome. Thank you for your cooperation and patience. I hope I did an excellent job at addressing your concern. It was a pleasure to have assisted you Jeff. Is there anything else I may help you?

shauri: I would just say response time and possibly remembering who you are chatting with.  Otherwise you did great.  By the way, this is Shauri...not Jeff.

Less long pause
Bernadette: Sorry Shauri, I mistype :)

Yes Bernadette, yes you did.  But at least that smiley face makes me feel better.  Long pauses are now officially cleared up.

Best wishes Bernadette,

Jeff

Happiness

I am happy.

I almost ended the blog right there, but I'm sure that would have left you, the reader, thrilled for me, but a little bit empty. Frustrated perhaps that you had even bothered to click on this link only to read the lamest blog of your life.

Or maybe you would have been happy yourself.  Happy that you finally read a blog from me that wasn't whining about how hard it is to be a mom.  Happy that it only took up one second of your life to read it instead of 20 minutes you could never get back. 

However you feel, I've still decided to share more.

I realized yesterday that I am happy again.  The calm, peaceful kind.  Not the exuberant, I just won the lottery kind. 

I don't know if it was post-partum depression, too many changes at once, or if I just wasn't at all prepared to be a mother, but for the last 5 months I really thought I had lost myself.  The self I knew and liked for so many years.  The self that laughed regularly and loudly, and just felt like life was pretty good most of the time.  A self I thought was gone.

She's not.  She. Is. Not.  And THAT makes me happy.

Somehow I feel like Cora and I have turned a corner together.  She still isn't killing her daytime sleeping (30 minute naps), and she still demands a lot of attention and doesn't play by herself for more than 5 minutes without screaming, but we're good. 

I think there are are a few reasons why. 


First, I think that Cora continues to make incremental (dare I say BABY steps) of progress that make her easier to take care of.  She smiles more and laughs more.  She has slept through the night consistently for over 3 weeks.  She reacts to us and talks to us and engages.  It's nice to know that while I walk around a room for an hour with her in a bjorn that is breaking my back that a smile may be right around the corner.

Second, I am sleeping through the night.  I am starting to feel more sane.  I am starting to create routines in my day that make more sense and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I know things have gotten better and that they will continue to get better.  Not that there aren't or won't be any more hard times...but there will be reprieves and I've figured out that each challenge will pass.

Finally, I got an email from my old pal Katie Outcalt that changed my world view.  My mother insists that others (including, I presume especially, her) tried to tell me this, but for whatever reason the way Katie said it struck home.  The light came on. 

Essentially she told me to change myself, and stop trying to change Cora.  She told me (my words now) that Cora wasn't a problem to solve.  That I should transcend the problem by doing some purpose finding instead.  Sound familiar anyone?

Is it hilarious only to me, that every single time in my life that I have had a problem my dad has given me that exact advice, but that I couldn't figure out it applied in this situation?

I was blinded by all the parenting books and advice of parents.  I sought it out everywhere - on blogs, yahoo groups, from doctors, books, friends... HOW DO I FIX MY BABY???  How do I get her to sleep at night?  How do I get her to eat right?  How do I get her to take a nap for longer than 30 minutes?  And since everyone always had answers....well I figured I just hadn't stumbled on the one that worked for Cora yet.  So I kept searching and asking.

Katie helped me take a step back and relax.  I still tried to open myself to the right techniques for Cora to help her....for example, I ignored the Weissenbluth advice to put my baby down as soon as I saw the tired signals to avoid her being overtired.  That was happening all the time and I put her down every hour.  And she still screamed. Instead I stretched her awake time to 2-3 hours between naps.  And now when I put her down, she lays in the crib without being rocked and falls asleep dead tired.  Still only sleeps 30 minutes but she doesn't cry anymore.

But if that hadn't have stopped the crying, it wouldn't have mattered so much.  Because I changed (and keep changing when it reverts) my attitude.  I decided to center, try to feel peace and love for Cora and to enjoy even the fits or the screaming.  To try to watch it from a 3rd party perspective instead of as the stressed out mom who was living it.  To see it and understand it differently.  And of course, to be grateful for it. 

It's still not easy to feel that way when I'm tired and she's crazy, but I feel different.  I feel like we're figuring it out together.  And I feel happy. 

I still love my birthday present and any alone time I can get.  (Alisha told me that it's too soon in the process for me to be so needy, but I explained to her that being a mother in your 40's is like dog years.  For a 25 year old mom, they may last until the baby is 7 months or 7 years old before they need a break, but for a 40 year old mom it happens at birth.  Everything is 7 years faster.)  But I also love my Cora time, and my Cora.  Peace and happiness can be elusive - it's hard work to find them when you're stressed, lonely or exhausted.  It's rewarding when you do.

Please to Answer

Considering the fact that James and I have only been in Georgia for 4 months, it is somewhat shocking that we are already thinking about where we will move next.

This summer the bid process begins for us again, so we are starting to look at which posts are available and match up to James in terms of timing, type of job, and level.

There are several places that we are starting to lean towards, but before I mention those and get reactions, I'm curious...

Let's assume that we could get a job at any post in the world right now - that everything would line up AND they would offer it to James - please answer two questions:

1. where do you think WE should go?

2. where would YOU go?

Happy Birthday To Me

Yes, that is a bowl of fries.

I feel that I must take a moment to post about my first birthday as an honest-to-goodness mom.

Some of you may have picked up on a few gentle hints in my posts that indicate I'm a little sleepy.  Or cranky.  Or missing alone time.  I know they were subtle, but if you look hard you'll find them.

On my birthday, my main man hooked me up with a day at an unnamed hotel.  Unnamed because I am very loyal to the Hilton Worldwide brand, but since it doesn't exist here in Georgia... well a girl has to make do.  I will say this is a really nice hotel, as non-HWW hotels go. (That plug's for you Gina!)

Anyway, as I was saying, my main man got me a room for the day.  Sopo stayed with Cora all day and I moseyed off to alone-time bliss.  James and I loved the movie Date Night (see it if you haven't) and the line Tina Fey uses when her husband asks (in bed) what she fantasizes about.  Tina: "I fantasize about being alone in a hotel room, with no sound, and the ability to drink a diet coke without any interruptions."

James and I thought it was funny, but really....who would want that?

A couple minor adjustments.  I want the hotel room, the no sound, but instead of diet coke I want a full tray of room service.  Any food I want.  That I can eat IN bed without having to clean up the crumbs cause I'm not sleeping there, and a good book.

That's what I did.

And while I was sitting in my bed with my room service tray and reading my book in the dead silence...I suddenly paused, looked around, and smiled.  My shoulders came down from my ears and I completely relaxed.

I did allow James to meet me in the late afternoon and then we went to a lovely dinner.  That was nice too.

I also got a couple of spa treatments.  Which was great.  But seriously....THE ROOM...and THE TRAY...and the BLESSED SILENCE.

James has rocked my world every birthday we've been together.  I mean last year we went to Puerto Rico together.  But let me say this...this year...
Best. Birthday. Ever.

Once again, Tina Fey...nailed it.

The Hobbit and Other Strange People

Last night we went to our first movie here in Georgia.  Most of the movies here are in Russian, some are in Georgian, and occasionally they have one in English.  When they have a movie in English they don't just let it run like the others, they just select a couple of times and a couple days for it to show.

We have been anxiously waiting for Hunger Games and Ender's Game to no avail.  Finally they decided to show the Hobbit in English on December 28th.  We were still pretty excited about that, so James' friend and co-worker Jeremy offered to get us tickets.  He came back with bad news: sold out.

Now if they can sell out a picture 4 days before it is even scheduled to show, AND sell out on the day it is posted, it seems to me a good businessperson might consider doing a few more English movies and showings.  (Business opp for James and I perhaps?)

Luckily for us, they did another showing last night (Saturday).  And trust me, as soon as they posted that showing (Tuesday) James was buying tickets. 

I was pretty stoked for several reasons.  (Do people still say stoked?) First, a MOVIE!!  We kind of love going to the movies and we miss them.  Second, it cost us $12 USD for BOTH tickets, and $2 more for a bucket of popcorn.  A lot better than the paycheck we usually turn over back in the U.S. for a trip to the theater.

There were a few entertaining things that happened during our awesome movie outing.  The crowd was pretty mixed.  There were Georgians who presumably spoke English, other expats from other countries besides the U.S., some Russians, and a couple other Americans. 

I liked how all of the previews were dubbed in Russian.  It was clear that only about 5 people in the audience understood what was going on and laughed at just the right parts.  But the best part of the movie experience was where we sat.

Seated to James' right was a teenage couple that looked like Goth-mild.  The boy was clearly American and the girl was Georgian.  To my left was an elderly Georgian couple.  Both couples were kind enough to give us other options besides watching the movie to keep us engaged. 

James' friends pretty much made-out the whole time.  Sloppy, wet kisses.  Ah, young love.  Guess the Hobbit just didn't have enough heads getting chopped off to hold their attention.

The couple on my side was a little harder to ignore.  Surprising right?  And no, they weren't making out.  I don't know if they spoke any English, or if maybe just one of them spoke English, but I DO know that the woman spoke Georgian.

I know this because she spoke it during the ENTIRE movie.  She had a running convo with her seat mate, along with lots and lots of reactions to everything on screen.  Gasps, and Georgian Oh my's, and angry chatter.  I don't know if she was translating the whole thing for her friend or just letting him know what she thought about it. 

Upon further reflection I suspect that they were actually just on the run from the secret police.  It's the only thing that makes sense.  They clearly weren't there to watch the movie.  They didn't speak English.  They knew they could carry on a full conversation without being overheard or bugged with the movie playing over them.  And it was a warm dark place to hide.  It all adds up.

At first I was pretty annoyed by the constant yammering, but after a while it got pretty amusing.  Occasionally she even leaned over to me in a part that made us both jump and said something to me in Georgian with a big smile.  I patted her arm and said, "Da, comrade, da."  No, I didn't.  That doesn't even make sense.

One final part that we enjoyed.  If you've seen the Hobbit you know there is one scene where the elvish lady (Taurin) starts working her elvish magic and gets a nice bright glow around her.  It's a pretty serious part and yes, very mystical.  For some reason this audience thought that this scene was funnier than any other moment in the movie.  They were laughing hysterically and James and I just looked at each other in wonderment.  And then we joined in.  Cause why not?  If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.