Two days ago I found a nanny that I liked. She has a five month old
herself, and worked with two other American families who had infants.
She speaks great English and is very kind and flexible. She comes for 4
hours M-F so that I can have time to shower, do dinner prep, clean the
house, do laundry, write a book.. or just take a nap if Cora happened to be up all
night. Which she likes to do.
The nanny is here right now. I am sitting in my little home office writing this blog and listening to my daughter scream. It's killing me. I want to go and take her away from the nanny with (wait for it) every fiber of my being. It is impossible to sit here and listen, but I know I should. Otherwise how will the nanny and Cora work it out? The nanny (Sopo) needs to figure out how to quiet Cora and Cora needs to become familiar with Sopo. But for the love! How long can I listen to her scream in pain?
What I didn't count on in this whole "me-time" plan, is that I wouldn't be able to truly relax when someone else had Cora. Logically I get that when I hold her she cries too. A lot. Often I can't stop her crying any more than the nanny is doing right now. But as a mom, how do you sit and listen and not jump in and try to stop your baby's pain?
I guess I don't. I just went down. Yes, it's true I have no willpower. But the thing is I DID calm her down and get her in a place where the nanny could hold her quietly. So now what?? It just re-enforces the belief that I have to take care of her all the time. And frankly, that's not sustainable. If I don't have some breaks from bouncing and shhhing and walking in a 12 hour day I may die. Literally, of starvation. Granted, I had some good stores laid up but eventually those will reach an end and I will start withering away. Possibly even to a tiny, and hollowed out 125 lb.
She seems young to recognize my face and be partial to me, but the way she stares when I hold her...I wonder. Is she already shut down to others holding and caring for her? Isn't that supposed to happen at one years old?
I don't know. Here's the thing. I feel like a bad mom for hiring help. I feel like a bad person for not trusting someone else to care for her. I even hate when I hear her happy or contented downstairs and I think I'm missing these magic moments and what if she bonds more to the nanny than me?
Is this what being a mom is? A perpetual Catch-22 that doesn't allow you to ever relax not knowing if you should hold tight or let go? I'm not ready for this mom gig. 42 was too soon.
The nanny is here right now. I am sitting in my little home office writing this blog and listening to my daughter scream. It's killing me. I want to go and take her away from the nanny with (wait for it) every fiber of my being. It is impossible to sit here and listen, but I know I should. Otherwise how will the nanny and Cora work it out? The nanny (Sopo) needs to figure out how to quiet Cora and Cora needs to become familiar with Sopo. But for the love! How long can I listen to her scream in pain?
What I didn't count on in this whole "me-time" plan, is that I wouldn't be able to truly relax when someone else had Cora. Logically I get that when I hold her she cries too. A lot. Often I can't stop her crying any more than the nanny is doing right now. But as a mom, how do you sit and listen and not jump in and try to stop your baby's pain?
I guess I don't. I just went down. Yes, it's true I have no willpower. But the thing is I DID calm her down and get her in a place where the nanny could hold her quietly. So now what?? It just re-enforces the belief that I have to take care of her all the time. And frankly, that's not sustainable. If I don't have some breaks from bouncing and shhhing and walking in a 12 hour day I may die. Literally, of starvation. Granted, I had some good stores laid up but eventually those will reach an end and I will start withering away. Possibly even to a tiny, and hollowed out 125 lb.
She seems young to recognize my face and be partial to me, but the way she stares when I hold her...I wonder. Is she already shut down to others holding and caring for her? Isn't that supposed to happen at one years old?
I don't know. Here's the thing. I feel like a bad mom for hiring help. I feel like a bad person for not trusting someone else to care for her. I even hate when I hear her happy or contented downstairs and I think I'm missing these magic moments and what if she bonds more to the nanny than me?
Is this what being a mom is? A perpetual Catch-22 that doesn't allow you to ever relax not knowing if you should hold tight or let go? I'm not ready for this mom gig. 42 was too soon.
Maybe you should just hire a cook or housekeeper and keep the baby for yourself. That's what I would do. :) Or just think of the nanny as back-up, not like you have to hand her over for the whole 4 hours. I know right now, it feels like forever before Cora will be doing anything for herself, but 4 years old and off to school for the rest of your life comes really fast (if that's the age you choose, or 5). I would spend a lot of time holding her. It slips away so fast. But there's no way to learn this except by experiencing it.
ReplyDeleteAlisha has an excellent point. Just because everyone else on the block has a nanny does not mean that the Dewey's need a nanny. A cook or housekeeper is a great suggestion. It brings the focus on your family, not your personal needs. Does that make sense? I know. I know...you have personal needs, but until you and Cora are in a real groove and truly have transitioned to each other and Georgia then be greedy and take the time. Enjoy a good cook! Maybe one who is grandmotherly. Different needs will be fed.
ReplyDeleteWe have tried a couple times to have domestic help, but it winds up just being more frustrating than it is worth for Sheralie. She winds up spending so much of her time managing and fixing mistakes that having help is not really worth it. The only long-term help we had (in Manila) was a driver, and even that was tough. You may also find that get-togethers with other embassy folk turn into complaining sessions about "the help."
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you are looking for advice, but definitely do not get on board the nanny train just because everyone else is. I'm sure your nanny will eventually get the hang of taking care of Cora, and for 4 hrs/day, it will probably be fine. However, looking to future, nannies generally do not have the long-term perspective that parents have, and thus tend to respond less constructively to children than parents. In any event, transitions are tough! Give yourself at least 6 months! That's what I keep telling myself anyway.
Oprah had a cry expert on that described a babies 4 cries and what to do. You probably already know about it - but in the off shot you haven't - it totally worked for us.
ReplyDeletetell me more. what did it do specifically to help you? I'm open to all advice!
DeleteBeing a mom is hard. Like everything else in life. Life can just be harder some times than other times. And a colicky baby is really extra hard. I know that you will figure out what works best for you and your family. Lots of love, Andrea
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the comments people. I think the bottom line here from all of you is that every decision is hard and every situation is unique. And every baby ranges in different places on the challenging scale. Find the *most* guilt free and happy option for you and make it work. Appreciate all your thoughts!
ReplyDelete